


How Can I Live Without You?

by Inthelittledoctor



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, F/M, Fluff, Post break up fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 19:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6579619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inthelittledoctor/pseuds/Inthelittledoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were never officially dating. He would never date her, he'd already established that he wasn't her boyfriend. But it felt like they were dating, and after he left, she felt crushed. After dealing with his lingering scent on her pillow and a text from Kate concerning the Doctor, she's pushed over the edge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can I Live Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> Written from the prompt,'I know we were never officially together or anything or anything but after seeing that picture you posted on [insert social media] with him/her literally felt like you carved my heart out of my chest and stomped on it and I'm not really sure why I'm leaving this voicemail but my pillow smells like you and I miss your stupid face AU'

Why did her pillow have to smell like him? She'd just wanted to sleep, put the day behind her and drift into a state where it seemed like nothing existed. An escape. That's what sleeping was to her. Yet here she was, laying uncomfortably in her bed, fully aware that sleep wasn't coming anytime soon because of the scent coming from the pillow next to her. Stardust mixed with something musky and sweet. The smell of him. How long has it been since she's seen him? It felt like a lifetime. She really wishes he'd come back, tell her he was sorry for what he did and hold her in his arms, promising to never leave her again. 

The logical part of her brain is telling her he'll never come back. What she did was unacceptable. Although, not saying that what he did wasn't unacceptable as well. They'd both pushed too far, and in the end, she was the one to go over the edge. So he'd dumped her back at her flat, leaving without a word, and that's when she knew, absolutely positively knew, that he wasn't coming back. She'd stopped going to work after that. There were too many memories of him there. Saving the school from alien threats. Sneaking away from class to take a quick trip to another planet. Dancing in her classroom after everyone had gone home, the dim light of dust the only thing lighting the room. Snogging in the caretaker's closet, the only noises they could hear being the sounds of their lips moving against each other and her heavy breaths. 

Gods, she missed him more than she was willing to admit. She's being harshly pulled back into reality by the sound of her phone chiming on her bedside table, and she realises that her cheeks are wet. She'd been crying over him. How pathetic. She reaches behind her to grab her phone, squinting as she turns it on, the sudden onslaught of light too much for her. Once her eyes adjust, she wishes they hadn't, because the words on the screen make her already broken heart shatter. 

_Kate Lethbridge-Stewart_

_Seems the Doctor has a new companion. I thought you two were on good terms?_

Next to the text was a picture of him, her Doctor, with his supposed new companion at his side, standing in UNIT headquarters. He wasn't looking at the camera, his mouth open as if he was in the middle of talking. Probably about an alien invasion. She wonders what's trying to take over the world this time, tries to imagine what it would be like to stand at his side again and defeat an alien threat. She's crying again. Part of her wonders how she still has tears left. Why she does what she's about to do, she has no clue. Perhaps it's the sorrow that lingers with his smell and the anger that's suddenly arose from the damned picture from Kate fuelling her, but in the end she'll only blame it on the fact that she misses him. 

So what did Clara Oswald do to royally screw herself this time? She called the Doctor. 

Now, she's well aware that calling a man that's technically her ex, yet technically not, isn't illegal. But somehow it felt like it was. What she was doing felt wrong. She listens to her phone ring, concentrates on that to distract herself from the feeling in her gut telling her this was wrong. The silence in between rings is painful to her ear. The ringing seem to go on forever, taunting her. Until they stop and she's met with a voicemail greeting she's far too familiar with.

'This is the Doctor. If this is Clara, then leave a message. If you're not Clara, then leave me alone.'

Stupid old man, not even taking the time to change one simple thing. There's a click on the other end of the phone, an almost faint static noise filling her ear. What made her think this was a good idea? She chokes out a sob, not quite knowing what to say. 

Never the less, words spill out of her mouth. 'Hey, it's Clara. Although, I suppose you knew that seeing as though no one else is supposed to leave a message,' a weak laugh escapes her lips, and even to her ears it sounds fake. She pauses and recomposes herself, attempting to ignore the tears on her cheeks. With a deep breath in, she lets his lingering scent fill her lungs, feeling a sense of need come with it. 'I miss you,' she says, proud of herself because her words don't sounds as weak anymore. 'I know you don't miss me. Already found a new companion and everything. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're a Time Lord, you don't grow attached to people or fall in love. There was a split second when I thought you loved me, when we were in that forest, but I guess I was wrong. Do you remember that? The forest was completely white and it looked like it had snowed, but it was warm and you told me that planet had a freezing point of forty Celsius, so it never rained and always snowed. You brought your guitar and we sat in the warm snow, and you started playing a song you made. I didn't think I'd ever love you more than in the moment, and you looked up at me, still playing that beautiful song on your guitar, and our eyes met. I thought that you loved me then. I was so sure, so completely positive that we would work, everything would be okay because you loved me and I loved you. 

'I was wrong. I knew it was too good to be true. I just thought that you were something more than my friend, but it turns out you weren't even that. We never established what what we were, and I think that was our main fault,' she stops. He was never going to listen to this, he didn't care enough. Might as well say what she's wanted to say ever since she started talking. 'I love you. I know it's obvious, but I also know that you're bad at reading people, so you may not have known. So yes, I love you, and I really should have said it sooner. We were never really all that good at communicating,' she feels a smile tug at her lips and tastes her salty tears on the corner of her lips. 

There's a break in the static on the other side of the line that sounds like someone taking a deep breath in. Probably just a glitch, there's no way in Hell he actually picked up. Maybe it's his new companion? Best ask just to be safe. 'Hello?' She breathes out. 

There's a few moments of silence from the other end before a voice cuts through. A voice she never thought she'd hear again. 'Hello, Miss Oswald,' his voice was deep, a hint of shame to it. She missed his voice so much, and now that she was hearing it it made her feel like she was dying. She buries her face into her pillow, her body shaking from silent sobs. 'Clara?' His voice rings through her ear, the way he rolls the 'r' in her name causing her sobs to become vocal. He'd heard her and now he was concerned about her. What was happening? He left her, he shouldn't care about her, shouldn't be concerned. No no no. This wasn't happening. He doesn't care. 

'Please say something, Clara Oswald.' 

She moves her head away from her pillow, the need to breathe becoming too great. Gulping down fresh breaths of air, she fills her almost empty lungs, sobs mixed in with her breathing. Everything's a blurry mess to her, her tears obstructing her vision. What was she to say to him? Maybe call him an arse for not mentioning his presence on the other line before. Perhaps call him an idiot for leaving her and going to get a new companion right after. 

'I miss you.' Smooth, Oswald. That's exactly what she didn't want to say, but the words had already left her mouth and there was no taking them back. May as well ruin everything else for herself. 'My stupid pillow smells like you and I can't stop thinking about laying next to you and your dumb face. Please, I know this probably goes against one of your rules about visiting past companions or somemat, but I need to see you, so please, don't even argue.'

There's an audible sigh from his end and then the sound of him hanging up, causing her heart to drop in her chest. Not even a simple word in reply from him. She lets her eyes drift shut, far too exhausted by a phone call. She wants the day to be over. Just as sleep is about to take her, there's a familiar wheezing coming from her door, meaning that oh, he did come, and oh, he actually cares enough to listen to her. She looks up to see the TARDIS light flooding into the room and his silhouette leaning on the doorframe.

He pushes himself off the doorframe and shoves his hands into his pockets, the doors closing behind him and him closing the distance between them and standing next to her bed. He seems to be rather intrigued by his feet at the moment. She reaches for his hand and holds it lightly, sniffing and using her forearm to wipe away her tears. 

'I'm sorry,' his eyes meet hers and his hand returns her grip. She hates him so much and all she wants to do is kiss him. So she does, pulling him down by a the hand and meeting him halfway, their lips moving gently against each others with a hidden sense of urgency. She'd missed the feel of his lips, the taste of him. He pulls away all too soon, his hand finding residence on her cheek and his breathing just a tad bit uneven. As he goes to open his mouth, she puts a finger on his lips, her thumb beginning to stroke the knuckle of the hand that was still holding hers. 

'Don't say anything. Just, lay with me and we'll talk about whatever it is you want to talk about in the morning,' her hand pulls at his and she hears a sigh of defeat escape him, him slipping his hand out of hers and having his feet carry him to the other side of the bed. He sits on the side of the bed and leans down to untie his boots, taking them off along with his jacket and hoodie. His head turns and his eyes focus on her, an internal battle going on inside of him, no doubt. Reaching out and wrapping her fingers around his bicep, she tugs him towards her without a word, silently begging him to just lie down and stop thinking. It's amazing how well he can read her at times, considering the fact that this is the man that's horrible with anything that has to do with emotions or the thoughts of others. 

His body makes the mattress dip down as he lies down, the bed wobbling as he tries to find how to lay. An uncomfortable silence fills the room once he's settled, the both of them staring at the ceiling, her trying her best not to cry because he's beside her, and he's so close she could hold him if she wanted to. And dear God how badly she wanted to hold him, cry into his shoulder and tell him she loved him over and over. She feels the bed shift next to her and looks over to see him on his side facing her, this promptly being followed by his hand ghosting hers. Giving him a teary smile in the dark, she entwines her fingers with his, turning onto her side as well so that they're face to face. They stare at each other, his face barely visible to her and she wonders what she looks like to him. 

'You look nice, a little round, but nice,' he informs, voice soft. It takes her a moment to catch on, and once she does, she glares at him. 

'I thought we agreed to no mind reading,' she tries so hard to sound angry just to tease him, make him remember their promise. 

'Sorry,' he mumbles, looking down at their hands resting on top of her duvet,'It's been a while.' 

'How long?' 

Instead of answering, he puts his forehead on hers and looks deep into her eyes, and if he doesn't kiss her she's going to go mad. He does. Damn telepath. It doesn't last long, just a lingering peck on the lips, yet it's all she needs to start crying again. She'd missed the idiot in front of her far more than words could tell. The tears that stream down her cheek are warm, almost hot, making her skin feel like it was on the brink of burning. His brow furrows and his hand comes to rest on her cheek, a look of concern on his face. The insensitive comment threatening to spill out of his mouth is so obvious and she's surprised he hasn't already said it. Perhaps his manners were improving. 

'That planet you were talking about,' he starts, staring off at the wall behind her,'The white one with warm snow. I remember it. That trip was probably one of my favourite trips I've taken with you. You stood out so much among the bland white of the forest, and all I could think was, finally, I've found a place in the universe that shows how I truly see her. You stand out to me, Clara. You are the colour in a sea of white.'

What did that even mean? It almost sounded like a confession. She sniffs and nuzzles her nose against his, her mind a blur. She just wants to sleep, thinking hurts. She'll bother him in the morning. If he's still there. 'Will you be here when I wake up?' She questions sleepily. 

'Only if you want me to be.' 

'I do,' she mumbles, her eyes drifting shut and her forehead falling from his, coming to rest on his collar bone. 

Breathing him in, she smiles, the hand that wasn't holding his coming up to rest on his chest. The last thing she remembers before she drifts off to sleep is the feel of his lips pressing against her forehead.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos if you enjoyed and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
